V and How to Survive the Invasion
I have watched about a gazillion hours of science fiction. Classic and new. TV and movies. The good, the bad, and the cheesy (Can I get a hell yeah for Mystery Science Theater 3000). I watch it because I would love to fly in a spaceship and plan on being prepared if the opportunity ever presents itself. But I will be cautious when that first ship arrives. See, I’ve learned some really useful tidbits watching all this sci-fi. I’m not talking about stuff you can learn from a textbook or from some ace instructor. No, I’m talking about the stuff that keeps you from being blown to bits, eaten by lizard people, or shot out an airlock.
This occurred to me while watching the pilot for “V” last night. Gigantic spaceships descend toward Earth, rattling windows and knocking down poorly secured bookshelves. Everyone rushes to their windows, or into the streets or up onto rooftops for a better view. In the midst of this frenzy, two random guys on the street are interviewed by a reporter and they comment that it’s just like the movie Independence Day. Ya think? Then what the %#^$% are you doing standing under the spaceship?
Rule #1 Do not stand directly beneath an alien spaceship. If an alien spaceship appears in the sky, run away, or at least get out of the street. Otherwise, The Deadly Laser Beam of Death will blast you to smithereens or you will be chosen as one of their first abductees and ground into chow. Which leads us to the next rule.
Rule #2 If possible, ask the aliens for a copy of their bestselling cookbook. If they say no, then it’s time to revisit Rule #1 and get the heck out of Dodge. They aren’t hiding their cookbooks because they don’t want to share their favorite recipe for Chicken Soup. They’re hiding them because their favorite recipe is actually Human Soup. Do not be fooled by their happy, smiling faces, which leads us to….
Rule #3 The sexier the alien, the greater the chance that she will kill you and eat you for dinner or possibly feed you to her children. Aliens are smart. They’ve sent scouts down here to figure us out in advance of their invasion. They know that if they’re sexy, then we will be less likely to shoot them. When the Visitor leader appears (Morena Baccarin from my beloved Firefly) everyone looks up and thinks…ohhh, pretty…not…shoooot! They should be thinking shoot.
Simply by following these first three Rules of Alien Engagement your chances of surviving will increase by the very scientific estimate of a whole frakkin’ lot. The two guys that said it was just like Independence Day at the beginning of “V” also complained that the movie was a “ripoff off any number of alien invasion movies”. Yup, and in those movies, the aliens are out to roast you, or enslave you, or generally pillage Earth. Those two guys should know better. If, like them, you were unaware of these rules, now you know. You can thank me when the Visitors arrive and you aren’t served for dinner.